Are you AAA rated?

Saturday 20th August 2011

BETA versions of software no longer do it for me. As an Alpha male I expect better.

Moreover, I am deeply concerned to hear of a growing number of pretenders presenting themselves as ‘alpha males’, when they have no understanding of the meaning of the phrase. It is not enough merely to have queued alongside Jeremy Clarkson in a Chipping Norton off-licence, to have been to school in Warrington with Rebekah Brooks, or to have put a question to a panel on Newsnight.

Please do read the small print, with particular reference to the rules about offshore accounts and third homes.

The problem is not yet out of hand, but clearly a new seed has been planted in the minds of the common-folk: Invidia reptans (or, for the benefit of any common-folk reading this, Creeping Envy.) This quick-growing weed feeds on the idea that everybody can become a somebody. Not true and don’t you forget it.

The innate hierarchy has, unfortunately, already been undermined by things like A-list celebrities, the revelation that the USA has lost its triple-A credit card rating, and evaluations being sought every time you read anything online or visit the gents at a motorway service station.

As from September, therefore, there will be new categories introduced, with strict guidelines as to their use.

Celebrities known to have an alcohol problem will move to the AA-list.

Only Alpha males who have been caught speeding, have sacked a nanny, and have had their phone hacked by somebody working for a tabloid newspaper, will be able to apply for the new ranking of Alpha* (Alpha Star for any common-folk who think they have to scurry to the bottom of the page in search of footnotes.)

Meanwhile, the Secretary of State for Education will be announcing a change to the classification system used by the Examinations Boards. As from 2012, all students will be assessed on a scale of seven grades: A***, A**, A*, B***, B**, B* and MTH (must try harder).

This will ensure that standards continue to rise year on year.







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