Conference 2: Miliband

Saturday 24th September 2011

HERE in Liverpool, those attending the Labour party’s conference are looking forward to debating the week’s most pressing political questions: how to get their message across, who lost the key to the cupboard that had the message in it, and why they voted for Ed not his brother.

Enjoying the freedom of being back in opposition, the party leader will announce a series of headline-catching policies aimed at traditional Labour supporters.

“We must be seen to be getting behind the hard-working man, woman or person of no fixed gender. These are difficult days, but now is not the time for cutting benefits to those in dire need – chief executives with families to feed; solicitors with children to raise; consultants with several homes in desperate need of repair.”

Grass-roots activists remain optimistic. Figures released later this week will show a boost in party membership, with fourteen teachers re-joining during the past year and up to three well-known celebrities pledging allegiance to the Miliband Tendency campaign.

“There’s a long way to go, but I’m confident we can win back the public’s confidence. The country needs a confident government with the confidence to be confident at all times, especially if we are to retain confidence in sterling and go forward by going back to the basic principle of having confidence in each other.”

Ed knows he has had his critics.

“Yes,” he admits, “I have had to take a long, hard look in the Mirror. It’s much more supportive than any other tabloid.”

And the party has a fresh and exciting slogan with which to woo and wow the electorate: “a new bargain for Britain”.

Gosh. That should make everyone sit up and listen.

He has already promised to lower the cap on tuition fees, which may win over students who voted Lib-Dem last year, but not those who remember it was New Labour who brought in the whole fees fiasco in 2001.

For now, Miliband is sitting pretty. Even the left of the party doesn’t have the Balls to challenge his leadership.

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