Writing about women

Saturday 1st October 2011

FLAK notwithstanding, I’ll probably do both of these at next month’s Lit Fest in Cheltenham. There’s the woman who loves her house:

home sweetheart home

the future is in furniture
the poster said
she sits on the knee of a comfortable settee
dreaming of the armchair’s arms
gazing at the chaise longingly
pining for a welsh undresser
yearning for cupboard love
thinking of having a bit on the side-board
hoping for a lasting table relationship
with a tall-boy
remembering a previous one-night lamp-stand
with someone from the cabinet

the future is in furniture
the poster said
so she goes upstairs
and gets into bed
with a book …
… case

And then there’s the woman who, explicably, wants her man to change:

wardrobe mistress

so you meet a girl
and fall in love
do the bit where you gaze
at the stars up above

discover all the lovely things
you both have in common
and the charming differences
which you don’t dwell long on

and she teases you a bit
about the way that you dress
as she ruffles your hair
which you agree is a mess

so she gives it a trim
and will even cut those
annoying little follicles
that protrude from the nose

then she buys you a present
what could be better
it’s just what you wanted
a brand new woollen sweater

so now she suggests
that other one can go
what the cotton one with frayed cuffs
oh yes – oh no

so you buy her silks or satins
with matching suspender belt too
do you expect me to wear those
oh yes – oh no no thank you

 meanwhile she’s questioning your socks
and when did you last have a bath
come here just for a minute
this is how to arrange your scarf

but you’re pleased that she’s pleased
now you’re dressed how she’d like
though perhaps you should have changed
to change the chain on your bike

for the grease stains will remind her
and she’ll tell you all men are just little boys
and she’ll want to know when you’re going to grow up
and stop playing with toys

it’s a pain being a man i know
but fellas before we reach for paracetamols
do remember some women are just little girls
who never stop playing with dolls

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