Mercenary rhymes 1

Monday 31st October 2011

A DOG is for life, not for Christmas: car-sticker: saw it every day when taking my younger daughter out in the push-chair.

She was just beginning to learn nursery rhymes. I remembered the schoolboy nonsense of Mary Had a Little Bear and other parodies; decided the whole lot needed bringing up to date; even had a few printed on postcards. They sold like cold cross-buns.

Here are some examples:

A Was An Apple Pie

A was an animal
B bred it
C castrated it
D docked its tail
E entered it for a competition
F fed it
G groomed it
H handled it
I inspected it
J judged it winner of its division
K kissed it
L loved it
M made money out of it
N nodded at it
O outgrew it once it had to go to the vet
P put it in a pen
Q quibbled over it
R rejected it
S starved it
T taught it a lesson it would never forget
U utilised it
V vivisected it
W washed his hands of the whole affair
And XYZ with parents magnanimous
Were given another one the following Christmas

Simple Simon Met a Pie-man

Simple Simon met a middle-man
Going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the middle-man
“Let me taste your ware”

Said the middle-man to Simple Simon
“It isn’t as easy as that
There’s storage costs
And haulage costs
And seventeen and a half per cent VAT”

Said Simple Simon to the middle-man
“But I only want something to eat”
Said the middle-man to Simple Simon
“I’ll check with our other offices
I’m not making any promises
Could you come back in say a week?”

Said Simple Simon to the middle-man
“Oh, why is it so hard?”
Said the middle-man to Simple Simon
“I know just the place that does it
Could you leave me a deposit?
You do have a credit card?”

Said Simple Simon to the middle-man
“But I only wanted a pie”
Said the middle-man to Simple Simon
“I’ll just make a note
Send you a copy of the quote
You’ll hear from me by-and-by”

Said Simple Simon to the middle-man
“Piss off”

Baa, baa, black sheep

Baa, baa, blind sheep
Have you had the wool
Pulled over your eyes again
By some bull?
The Sun is your master
The Mail is your dame
Are you still a little boy
Who doesn’t feel shame?

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