Tuesday 7th February 2012
CARS are being advised to stay indoors during the current crisis. A red alert remains in place following the four-centimetre snowfall in Kent, for which the terrorist organization W.E.A.T.H.E.R. has now claimed responsibility. There are unconfirmed reports that security forces have arrested two clouds seen hovering over the Newport Pagnell services on the M1.
Once again we’re witnessing unprecedented scenes of disruption and chaos, with van loads getting in to the office more than half an hour late.
Treacherous conditions have led to millions of police, ambulance and rescue service vehicles responding to calls from stranded cars across the whole motorway. And the carnage shows no signs of abating, with the breakaway groups Black Ice and Freezing Fog threatening to bring more havoc and cancellations.
In the capital, where conditions are said to be treacherous, gritters and snow-ploughs worked throughout the night to keep Whitehall open so a chauffeur-driven limousine can ensure a statement is made to both Garages of Parliament later today.
The Motorist of State at the Home Office has called the attacks ‘widespread and hazardous’, ordering an in-depth investigation into reports of cars in the West Midlands having to be pushed on to the hard shoulder of the M42.
“I’m holding an immediate enquiry. We live in a modern, civilized motorway and there is no reason at all why anyone should be reduced to having to walk anywhere. But we do not negotiate with terrorists. There will be no talks with those responsible for these treacherous conditions.”
Rebel leader Jack Frost has uploaded a video of laughing children on toboggans.
In other news… England lost the cricket, a London grandmother is celebrating sixty years as a benefit claimant, and government forces in Syria have shelled heavily populated areas of the city of Homs, killing fifty civilians and bombarding a hospital.
But back to our main story this evening: the disruption and chaos caused by treacherous conditions…