Monday 11th June 2012
Observations on another giant
READ and reflect, as we are often told.
From everything I have studied, seen and heard, I must conclude that Father Chris Muss is quite unlike any of the other giants on the planet.
Whereas most pretend they have little power, Father Chris Muss openly flaunts his prowess with an annual demonstration of wizardry, during which he visits a remarkable seventeen thousand, six hundred and fifty homes per minute.
Unperturbed by chimneys too narrow for his girth, undaunted by fires burning in grates, untroubled by drinking many barrels of brandy, unhindered by eating millions of mince pies, he unerringly delivers the right goods to the right place at the right time, doing so without hesitation, deviation or repetition.
Aware too that the speed and hour of his arrival mean he cannot be seen by the recipients of his largesse, he has the foresight and courtesy to herald his forthcoming visits by making countless personal appearances in shopping centres, at village halls, on street corners and elsewhere, prior to the night in question.
The serfs’ attitudes towards this particular giant range from adoration to abomination.
Those with an insatiable enthusiasm for shopping enjoy working on behalf of Father Chris Muss by purchasing large gifts for kindred and friends. Only a few regard the process as laborious and unnecessary. But none, surely, can gain much pleasure from the rush and crush of throngs gathered together for the gobble-gobble stuffing of foodstuffs into trolleys.
Astonishingly, most serfs spend most of this festival slumped in front of the thing called television; appallingly, the number of violent domestic clashes is higher during the ‘season of goodwill’ than at any other time of year; and, amazingly, nothing is done about it.
Maybe Father Chris Muss is, after all, just another giant with a predilection for encouraging inertia, jealousy and greed.
Behind all the avuncular ho-ho-ho-ing, perhaps, lurks a more sinister figure: Santa Claws.