Tuesday 20th August 2013
JOIN the dance? Will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?
A group of anarchists has descended on the quiet Sussex village of Balcombe, occupying nearby land and causing considerable disruption to the area by drilling a large hole in order to follow a White Elephant, last seen consulting a pocket-watch and muttering something about not wanting to be late for a profitable tax break.
A number of police have been summoned to protect the anarchists in case their destruction of the countryside attracts the odd complaint.
It is uncertain what lies at the bottom of the hole. Some experts think it will end in a pool of tears; others expect to find a bottle of water, labelled ‘DRINK ME’, which will prove detrimental to health; others maintain there could be a cake, labelled ‘EAT ME’, which will allow rich, grinning Cheshire cats to get even fatter.
This latter theory is supported by another group, camping just up the road. They have noted how closely life resembles a tea party, where the Hatter keeps demanding that we all change places. This results in everyone but the Hatter having only crumbs.
(The Hatter is currently unavailable for comment. He’s apparently done his back in, preventing him from pursuing a customary holiday activity: hunting snark.)
Leading the hare-brained, mad march towards hydraulic fracturing is Baron Browne of Madingley. Some say that a string of accidents in the USA hastened his retirement from BP. He is known to have lied in a court deposition, but escaped a perjury charge. Some think this was under rule 42, the oldest rule in the book: All persons more than a mile high to leave the court.
He now works in the government’s cabinet office as ‘lead non-executive’. A merry dance has also led him to become chairman of the Lobster Cuadrilla.
‘Curiouser and curiouser,’ said Alice.
Perhaps, one day, we shall wake up from this bizarre, dream-like world. More likely, however, is that we will only do so when fracking has become an environmental nightmare.